The Crucial Role of Teacher-Student Relationships in Fostering a Safe and Effective Learning Environment
When I was four years old, I attended Saint Nicholas School in Oxford, and my first teacher was Mrs Evans. I vividly remember screaming and begging my mum not to make me go to school. I was desperate to go home; I would cry, kick my heels, and shout, unable to articulate why I didn’t want to go. Mrs Evans would come to the door, forcibly take my hand from my mother’s grasp, and drag me into the school, past the cloakroom where coats were hung and lunch boxes were laid on the benches, and into the classroom behind the heavy, large door. I felt trapped until it was time to go home. Mrs Evans had short blonde hair styled in a bob and was quite tall; I remember her looming over me with a stern expression in her eyes. She would often become frustrated when I couldn’t speak to her. Whenever I saw her approach, my stomach would tighten, and I would freeze. I recall her slapping the back of my hand when I couldn’t answer her questions. At just four years old, I hated school.
When I was seven years old, I remember my art teacher, Mrs Allen. Mrs Allen had dark curly hair and soft eyes. I recall her gentle smile and the music she played in the background. I was always happy to enter her class; it felt safe, and I looked forward to her lessons. Mrs Allen inspired me to draw. She was kind and had a softness about her. I remember her perfume, her pink cheeks, and her encouraging words when I created art.
We have all had teachers who have left impressions on us—both good and bad. How we present ourselves and manage our emotions affects the emotional state of the students in our care. We have the ability to empower children and foster a growth mindset or to undermine their confidence, create a fixed mindset, and teach them to dislike learning.
It is essential for teachers to connect with their students, building a trusting relationship so that they feel a sense of safety in the classroom. This trust allows them to participate and engage in lessons and activities, which is especially important when children are grappling with additional challenges like anxiety. Our children strive to please their teachers, seek their approval, and want to be liked. This is why building a connection with our students is key to their sense of belonging and well-being.
I recall, when I was six, completing a maths activity in Mrs Evans’ class. I was so proud of the work I had done and eager to show her how diligent I had been. When I presented my work at her desk, she took out her large red pen and marked crosses all over it, saying in a frustrated, gruff tone, “Nope, you got that wrong. That’s not right. What were you thinking here? Oh dear, take it back and do it again.” I took the piece of paper back, looked down at it, and felt my heart sink. From that moment on, I was convinced I couldn’t do maths and that my teacher didn’t like me.
Your response and your teacher’s response to your child are crucial. Our mannerisms, body language, and the way we connect with and support our children matter. These factors significantly influence how children develop their sense of self, their identity, and their sense of belonging, as well as what they learn about themselves. When we become quickly frustrated with children and do not give them the space to make mistakes and grow, we can unintentionally cause them to feel a sense of shame, and these messages can last a lifetime. My experience happened 40 years ago, and I still feel anxiety around maths today. It’s important to understand that we don’t remember the specific “lessons”—I don’t recall the maths questions—but we do remember how we felt before and after interacting with the teacher, and how those feelings affected our sense of self.
When my daughter was five years old, I enrolled her in school. I was excited for her to begin, as she was a social butterfly who loved learning. Like all parents, I was anxious during her first week, but she quickly settled into the environment. Her first teacher was an older, experienced educator—soft and kind, albeit a little disorganised—but she always greeted my daughter at the door.
However, when my daughter changed classes, her experience took a turn for the worse. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware that she was struggling with selective mutism; I had assumed she was simply curious and shy, which is often the case for parents of children with selective mutism, as they can speak comfortably at home. Her new teacher was young and appeared fun and bubbly, so I was excited for my daughter to be in her class. But then school refusal began, and our world was turned upside down.
This teacher grew frustrated with my daughter’s lack of communication and her inability to answer during roll call. Her approach became stern, and she felt my daughter was being manipulative. When she realised my daughter had selective mutism, she said to me, “I wanted to break her.” And, unfortunately, at that time, she did.
After removing my daughter from this school, I enrolled her in a new one. The new teacher was amazing! She immediately collaborated with me and the principal to understand selective mutism and to ensure my daughter felt safe and supported in her classroom. The contrast between this teacher and her previous one was night and day. Within a week, my daughter stopped refusing to go to school and began skipping in with enthusiasm. Although she wasn’t talking yet, she was happy and felt safe. Her behaviour after school was calmer, and she loved sharing her day with me. After three weeks at the new school, she began speaking to her peers and the teacher.
This was ten years ago now, and my daughter still remembers this school and her amazing teacher, Mel.
It has taken a long time, a lot of work, and considerable support to help my daughter regain her confidence and overcome selective mutism. Now, she is studying to be a teacher!
Through my experiences, I have become dedicated to helping other parents whose children face challenges and need understanding and support from schools, because I understand firsthand how the environment affects our children’s emotions, behaviour, and development.
My mission is to bring families, students, and their teachers together, working to help build lasting connections that support your child to thrive. One way to achieve this is by creating an Individualised Educational Plan (IEP).
Supporting our tamariki requires a collaborative approach. An IEP isn’t just for the benefit of our children; it also provides teachers with the inclusion and support they need. When raising and teaching our kids, we must work as a team!
